Lessons from “Breathing Under Water” by Father Richard Rohr OFM

Father Richard Rohr, in his book, “Breathing Under Water”, compares Christian spirituality to the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. He indicates that the greater addiction exists and this is the addiction to control, approval, success or perfection. The title implies learning to find life despite our hardships, just as we can breathe under water. Rohr uses fundamental wisdom to show how the principles of recovery can apply to every person in their spiritual walk.

Lesson 1: Admit that you are Powerless

The initial stage to healing is to realize that nothing can be controlled. How many times do individuals think that they can apply willpower to correct themselves as well as others? This refusal is counterproductive.

The true liberty is when we make a decision that we are not in control of everything.

Consider the following example: you have a relationship and keep getting frustrated. You may have been trying to change your partner’s habits or your teenager’s attitude. You can say this: “I have no power over the decisions of this individual.” That little confession can take away a burden you had no idea you had. The change you are trying to initiate is no longer an effort to stamp change, but to accept the person as they are and establish healthy boundaries. I felt this when I gave up trying to make a family member to stop complaining and realized that it is just how she thinks.

Lesson 2: Give in to Something Bigger

Once we realize we are helpless, we must have faith in something bigger. Surrender is not defeat. As long as we are trying to be gods unto ourselves, we will never find peace.

You can practice day-to-day surrender. Use the following strategy: When encountering difficulties, tell yourself, “I will do what I can, but the outcome is not up to me.” When attending a job interview, you can do all the necessary preparation, but do not focus on your fears regarding the result. Believe that anything that happens is in conjunction with something greater. I began to do so with some health-related conditions, and it significantly reduced my stress. I still take my medicine, but I do not focus on every symptom.

Lesson 3: Learn to Conduct Self-Examination as a Matter of Integrity

We cannot heal what we do not acknowledge because we cannot heal what is not recognized. This is the contrary of self-compassion, a different and essential portion of feeling uncomfortable loving-kindness.

Think of the complexities of your life. Do you always finger-point at others when something goes awry? Do you avoid difficult conversations? Apprehend these ways without judgment. When you notice that you are envious of your friends most of the time because they are getting to the milestones, accept it by saying, “I have trouble coping with the feeling of jealousy.” This awareness, though superficial is the key to bringing about change that you desire. In my case, I have been scribbling my journal notes so as to record my criticism and I have observed that I find myself being defensive even when constructive criticism is given.

Lesson 4: Defects of Character

Most of us are obsessed with our faults. Notably, actual change can result from awareness of the need to eliminate these traits.

Point out one specific problem that has become a habitual characteristic of your personality, emphasizing its effects on your relationships. Rather than attempting to deal with it directly, demonstrate a willingness to embrace the change. In case you are a person who jumps the gun and speaks over people, why not attempt to solve this problem with a more specific intention, such as “I will give myself permission to listen to the other person with all my heart before I share my thoughts today”. As the urge to speak up grows, the natural change occurs in due course by letting silence take its place. In my situation, I had a habit of unsolicited advice and was very surprised how the conversations shifted once I started listening more.

Lesson 5: Repair Old Wrongs

Relationships that are not resolved can lead to stagnation in a person’s spiritual development. Forgiveness and making amends free the victim of the past. Such actions are not merely saying that you are sorry; rather, they are the initial stages of taking responsibility for the evils committed.

Spend some time and write down relationships that have a feeling of incompleteness. Consider where you have to accept responsibility or forgive. An example is the bottled-up emotions of resentment towards a co-worker who has stolen some work you did. You may write a letter about how you feel and your wish to forgive (even though you may not send it). Or, in case you have been neglecting a friendship for some time, just be sincere in your apologies and propose that both of you reconnect. In my case, I had a mental block because of some harsh words that I said to my cousin brother some years back. Since I have released those words, I feel a lot lighter.

Lesson 6: Live in Daily Spiritual Practice

An incident in an individual’s life that results in a major turnaround should not be regarded as the end of the road. This kind of event marks the beginning of a new life that the individual will be covering. Rohr reminds us of the pitfalls of being a slave to the past.

Devise a simple daily plan to fit your life. You can choose to pray or meditate five minutes a day in the morning. Another thing is day-end reflecting, finding the good and reflecting on what contributed to your growth. Be consistent, not perfect. I am now more grounded and patient in my day-to-day life, as I take ten minutes every morning to sit silently and set intentions.

Lesson 7: Help Others on Their Way

Our healing is complete when it is shared. The scars we have mended become the gifts we can give the sufferers. This does not involve proselytizing but walking with others with authentic compassion.

Be willing to share your growth in minor ways. When a friend complains of struggling with worrying, calmly suggest a technique that helped you. Volunteer with an organization that addresses issues you have conquered. Once I got over my grief, I started volunteering to work with a bereaved person support group. I can share my experience and, in the process, help others, which makes me heal even more.

Lesson 8: Find Grace in the Imperfection

Spirituality has been seen as an attempt to achieve perfection. However, according to Rohr, God is most effective when working through a person’s weaknesses and failures. Grace can work where perfection is not possible.

Patience is essential in handling issues. Rather than being too hard on yourself, it could be helpful to say, “I am a human being and still learning.” When you lose your temper, particularly with children, apologizing and showing compassion to yourself, as you would do to a friend, will help. I embrace my weaknesses. This nearly always helps in enhancing rather than self-criticism.

Lesson 9: Be There to Live the Moment

Less time spent on the here and now is usually linked to compulsive and addictive tendencies. On the one hand, spiritual development takes place when an individual learns to be here and now, not the regrets of past or worry of future.

Mindfulness can also be practiced in everyday activities. To illustrate, avoid being distracted by phone when you are working. Listen to what your feet are feeling as you stroll or just be mindful when you rinse the dishes. On a personal level, I have learned to enjoy my meals once more with the help of distraction-free meals.

Lesson 10: Love Paradox and Mystery

Power lies in powerlessness. It is a gain to lose, and one lives by dying to self. The Recovery Movement teaches us to live with the mystery rather than having everything figured out. Spiritual life is full of paradoxes, as Rohr describes.

It is hard to solve the paradox when one has identified it. To illustrate, saying no to someone is also helpful. Even if you do not know something, honesty makes you a better leader. Accepting your weaknesses makes people respect you even more than they do when you do not accept them. This is something that I have learned in the workplace when I began to no longer attempt to be perfect. When I required help I sought it.

Lesson 11: Hope in Suffering

Rohr illustrates the paradoxical nature of suffering by highlighting the aspect of accepting suffering as compared to evading it. Suffering is an entry point to more intimacy with ourselves, other people and God. The philosophy of making pain constructive is the same in the Twelve Steps.

When I reflected on my painful experiences, I had always questioned myself, What can I learn about this? Physical illness can also teach us to be more patient, and to be able to enjoy the simple things in life. Personally, the loss of the job that I loved so much helped me to rediscover myself which in turn helped me to get better opportunities in future Without undergoing such a painful experience I would not be able to have.

Lesson 12: Live in a Gratefully Joyful Life

His last lesson to us through the book by Rohr is that recovery leads to a place of gratitude and joy. Not because all these things have been made just the way they should be, but because now we can learn how to breathe underwater, how to find life and relaxation in the midst of drowning struggles.

A simple way to practice gratitude is to say three things that you are thankful about each day; it makes you appreciate each moment. In addition to that I would encourage people to find joy in simple and unaccountable things such as watching a child laughing, a hot cup of tea or even a beautiful sunset. I started taking pictures of things that are pleasing to me that I see daily, and it is amazing how much more I notice beauty when trying to find it.

The art of breathing underwater does not concern evading life’s challenges but the pursuit of God’s presence in the midst of them. As we apply the twelve principles, we realize that our problems, including our addictions, can be portals to a more actualized life full of genuine relationships, purpose, and serenity.